When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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