we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
