Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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