no, he came in my armpit
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
