i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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