I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
