Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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