I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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