Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You can't motorboat a personality
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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