at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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