Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
