he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize