Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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