that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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