dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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