Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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