I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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