do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize