awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You are the jesus of drinking
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
