I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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