Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
