On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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