what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
