She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
