im drinking this country out of the recession.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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