No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
