It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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