I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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