and you said cock pushups were impossible
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
