I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
