was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
