Too much gin, very little bucket
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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