he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
