That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
