drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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