only if we run a train.
done.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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