i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
