She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
