His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
