i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
