don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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