I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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