Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
