one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
