I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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