I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
