Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
