I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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