I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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