I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
