a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
