how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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