And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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