The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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