Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
