I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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