I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
