I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
