quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
