he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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