ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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